It's been awhile...

In the words of Stain'd...

Its been a while
Since I could...
Hold my head up high
Its been a while
Since I first saw you
Its been a while
Since I could stand
On my own two feet again
And its been a while
Since I could call you

It has been awhile since I could hold my head up high. I'm working on it, each day it's a little higher.

It has been awhile since I first saw "me"...but looking in the mirror and deep in my soul I'm finding out just who that is.

It has been awhile since I could stand on my own two feet...and I will test that out very soon...

and...

It has been awhile since I could call on myself, where I thought I have enough strength and fortitude to withstand everything thrown my way.

These past few months have been a test. Painful and trying. I got therapy and have a therapist who is just awesome and I'm coming to terms with issues. At the end of May two things happened. My grandfather had a stroke and I took a weekend to rediscover who I am, work on my marriage and just center myself. I found out part of who I am, what makes me tick. In that I quit relying on food for comfort most days, I've weaned myself off of all but one cup of coffee a day and accepted that if I'm to be happy I must find that strength within. The get away didn't have the affect I thought I wanted on my marriage...we're parting ways. It's amicable and civil and I hope the dissolution continues to be as such. We're friends and parents...and we can be both apart from each other. As for centering myself...I feel I'm in a good place...

I'm taking on the care giving of my grandfather once he's released from the home and I pray all goes well. I'm scared as heck for the future because I don't know what it holds...but who amongst us does? I worry more for my son than myself.

Some good news is the scale finally did move after that weekend in May. I'm below 200 now! This morning it was 198! Not much below, but hey I'll take it!

This is a photo I took on the vacation...I stacked these up and Alex even left them alone for awhile. To me it symbolizes the balance and peace that came about me that weekend.

Ok I'll admit it

I'm currently coming to terms with something...

I'm severely depressed, more a situational, rather than a chemical depression I do believe, but never the less depressed.

It dawned on me the other day that I haven't been depressed since I was in high school.

Two people, friends, who don't see me often...within a week of each other...commented on my mood and asked me what was wrong. One flat out told me that I'm depressed.

I'm not turning to food in this depression, the scale isn't moving...either way..which pisses me off, yet relieves me a bit. I know food isn't a healthy crutch and I refuse to entrap myself in that again...

I haven't been keeping up with my blog or my reader for that matter and I hope when I snap out of the funk I'll get back on the horse...

Where to start...???

I haven't disappeared or fallen of the face of the earth, or the wagon for that matter. Life has been chugging right along and I'm enjoying the ride...I think I'll bullet point some "highlights"

• I didn't do the walk, the day was beautiful and my son and I were having so much fun I didn't want to ruin it...There are so few nice days this time of year.
• I didn't travel to D.C. for the cherry blossoms...where does the time go?
• I have been quite the "Becky Home Ec-y" lately...I have been making veggie burgers once a week, I made my own homemade ketchup from tomato paste (super yummy and cheap), I made some yummy shortcakes for fresh strawberries with Bisquick and almond milk and they were so moist, and last night I made gravy for the very first time!!! Oh wait, I've made lasagna and Roni's Rotini pasta dish as well. I've made other stuff in the meantime mind you but those were the highlights! I'm also a SUPER DUPER fan of HG's Onion Rings!!!
• I've been getting 3 to 5, 3 to 4 mile walks in a week and I'm feeling great. I've also been jogging a little and can sprint like no one's business!
• Been trying to decide whether or not to join the Y, with the weather being nice I don't want to waste the astronomical fee if I'm getting my exercise outside!!!
• I went to the doctor, still procrastinating on the blood work...my own scatterbrainedness. She said something that floored me, got me to thinking and really made me do an about face..."You are a healthy woman, your BP is normal, you're eating right and getting exercise and that I'm glad to see, your plateau can be broken through by doing one of the following either step up the intensity of your workouts or lower your calorie intake, otherwise I see no reason you can't break through it. I will however still test your thyroid and we'll go from there"....That to me made me feel, gosh I don't know...there aren't words to describe it!!! ALL OF MY LIFE I've heard nothing but "loose weight, loose weight, you're unhealthy, you have to do something about this weight" from doctors and for her to say that...I was just awestruck...dumbfounded and elated all at the same time. It's helped me look at myself different and look at my food different.
  
• I have an enormous amount of stress right now regarding extended family matters but this too shall pass.
  
• I've had a patch lately where I feel like I'm not contributing to "society" like I need to "get out there and get a job"...I know it's because I'm listening to jealous naysayers and I know that the job I have at home bringing my son up is the most important thing I can be doing...
• I'm finding the simple, peaceful joys in life and not beating myself up so much when I slip up...

In a not so short nutshell that's my life. I certainly will try to get back here more often even with all the nice weather!!!

Toodles!

Warning...boring post

Gosh after my cranky fit I'm feeling so much better. I found out why too...after being way late my TOM came. Joy...I guess two months is my "regularity limit". So what's been going on with me??? I jumped on the scale this morning and then I danced right off!!! I haven't seen those numbers since New Years!!! SWEEETTTTT :) Now I won't give up my exercising!!! Today I was quite the busy beaver....I put up the compost bin so I can start making some good soil for next year and so that I may make my landfill contribution even less...then I moved two enormous, heavy, ball busting stones from the back yard, down my mountain goat hill and to the back door...lemme tell ya I'm not joking! I think they were barn foundation stones...I'll have to take a picture. I moved our swing down to the backyard as well. Not as heavy as the stones but it wasn't light...It's one of those one's that are rustic, all wood and look like a bunch of logs screwed together. I then proceeded to sit on it with a magazine and a drink and CHILL!!! Nidge was asleep, hubs was running errands...Just me and the sunshine! Does the soul good!!!

I'll be doing the walk on Sunday...I think...part of me is so ready and the other is so scared...Ugh!!! I think I may go treat myself to a non food reward tomorrow. I'm thinking of getting a small star Sapphire ring for myself...we'll see.

Anywho, see what I mean about BORING!!! LOL...hopefully I'll have something new thru the weekend!

Toodles

Cranky...

Ugh, I'm so very, very cranky. I can't entirely put my finger on it but I think the following may have something to do with it...

• Went to an aquaintance's house yesterday. This person was like a sister to me in the past...but in hindsight I see that I was always the benevolent one in the relationship and it really was a toxic relationship. I felt like I was on trial on whole time. So many questions asked in so many "creative" ways. This person doesn't agree with decisions I've made in regards to my marriage...nuf said...
• During this visit which spanned from late morning to late afternoon...carrots, water and tea were offered. That's right NO LUNCH. Grrrrrr...
• Since I didn't have lunch I was ravenous by dinner. Hubs wanted a burger for dinner...so I got him talked out of Wendy's...really nothing substantial to eat. We settled on Long John's and I got the "diet" fish. What a freaking JOKE...The portions were freaking small. Let me tell you I LEFT HUNGRY :(
• So today I thought I'd try a little retail therapy...it didn't work. I'm still Mrs. Cranky Pants...

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!

Giving in...

I called the doctor today to schedule my yearly check up. I'm getting so frustrated...

I've been eating well

Exercising

Resting....

But the scale is not budging....

So I'm going to have some blood work done. Maybe it's my thyroid, or something else...Maybe it is like my gyno says "You know you are getting older, and as we grow older (she just turned 30) our metabolism's change..." The appointment is on the 7th so I'll let you know what I find out!

My nemesis

So after two days of skipped mall walking...BFF has the crud :(...I fought with myself tonight when I came to my bedroom...

Put those clothes away and get the printer off the bed...

FINE...

You should go get on the balance ball and do some squats and crunches...

I'M TOO TIRED

Make the bed...

YEAH WAY TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT...YOU CAN'T SLEEP IN IT A MESS ANYHOW

Mmmmm nice warm cozy bed

WAIT YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE WILL HELP YOU TO FEEL BETTER?

Ok, but I'm only doing one song and I pick

BUT DON'T YOU WANT TO CLIMB IN THAT FRESHLY MADE BED???

Where did Nidgy put my ball???

DANG SHE FOUND IT

Only one song...

FINE I GIVE


I ended up doing two songs...and I feel much better with a made bed AND a nice workout ;) No I'm not nuts...notice I didn't answer myself...LOL, that's how you tell the real crazy's who converse with themselves!!!

Good news too...I have found another walking buddy. He's a dear friend of mine from HS and he walks the walkway M-F in the evenings. He said I could join him any time so I may take him up on it.

Toodles...